Who are you when nobody is watching?
- Aug 22
- 4 min read
In the brief moments where it slips your mind to play pretend. When your real smile comes out, your big laugh, the snort that you usually bury beneath a more ‘normal’ version of yourself.
When the mask you subconsciously adopt in everyday interactions is taken off, exposing your most raw and real self underneath.
Most people unknowingly hide behind this more socially acceptable version of themselves – whether it be a version completely altered from reality, so much so that it is no longer a true reflection of your being. Or whether it be a minimally changed version, perhaps slightly more polite and less personable.
Who are you when this mask is off?
Some people of course are anomalies. Those completely unaffected by society's expectations and fitting within the ‘normal’ bracket. Hardly anyone occupies this category, which is why when you do come across someone who is so unapologetically themselves they become quite bewildering and feel distinctly unique. In my personal opinion these are the people we must learn from.
As far as my own self I’m aware that I somewhat alter my personality and my projection of self (especially until I’m truly comfortable around someone). Which is probably why I love to be alone.
My smile is a good example. No one but me has ever commented on it but to me my smile is extraordinarily wide – essentially making me look like the Cheshire cat any time I genuinely laugh or smile.
So I’ve unconsciously conditioned myself into only smiling with my mouth shut whilst in the presence of strangers, or people I’m not 100% comfortable with. This has likely developed over years and stems from a somewhat trivial insecurity of mine. The interesting part is it was entirely without choice, and yet I am aware of it in every interaction.
Whether it be built off insecurity, fear, inclusion, or whatever else. There will be parts of you which aren’t available to the general public. There will also likely be parts of you which aren’t available to even your closest friends and family – parts of you only known by yourself. It is these parts, those only known by oneself, that truly make you, you!
So, who is this?
When you lie in bed at night, what is it that consumes your brain?
What do you fall asleep thinking about?
Behind closed doors, do you dance in the mirror?
Twirl around your room like a ballerina?
Do you pretend to be a famous singer in the shower?
Hold the conditioner bottle as if accepting a noble prize?
These trivial, unspoken parts of the day are what give you soul, they fuel beliefs, morals, habits, hobbies, goals, and even dreams. They make you a person… and it’s likely you’re the only person who knows about them.
A married man probably doesn’t know that his wife wiggles her toes as she wakes up, or that she counts in fives as she waits for her water to boil, how she takes a photo of every single butterfly she sees, and that she matches her blinking to the lights of passing cars on a roadtrip.
Perhaps he does know some of these trivial parts of her personality. Perhaps she knows his. But no one, and I mean no one, will ever know absolutely everything – not even your closest companion. Only yourself. Which I find to be one of the most magical parts of life.
When I first began writing this I inevitably became more aware of my own individual quirks. Here is a list of everything I noticed:
When nobody is watching I…
Play with my fingers, tapping each one against my thumb.
Twist my rings profusely on every finger.
Hold my breath (still) when I walk by smokers.
Lay down on my front with a leg awkwardly strung up next to me.
Think about life’s expectations and the limitless possibilities before I fall asleep.
Walk around my room totally nude.
Talk to the teddy bears on the end of my bed and give them duties to follow for the day.
Look out the window and count the clouds, stars, and the deer in the fields.
Laugh out loud at many Tiktoks - snorting and all.
Tap my foot to the beat of anything around me, even my keyboard!
I am unbothered about my facial symmetry and have no regard for angles.
Feel completely and utterly free.
Of course these are very small mannerisms, and are limited to what I could think of on the spot, but they are what make me, me!
I’d like to think I’m myself every second of the day. But I know deep down this likely isn’t the case. I don’t think I conceal her too far from society - certainly in recent years - but I do love when nobody is watching because it’s only then I can feel utterly at peace within my being, which is quite sad really.
To turn philosophical on you, my ideology is that it is only when a person feels entirely unwatched and untouched by any expectation that a person's soul comes out to surface. When they feel they are being observed or interacted with, to me, it is merely the body temporarily acting as dictator.
With all that being said. I’d like you to question yourself now -
Who are you when nobody is watching? Who are you when you aren’t performing? Do you like who this is?
That is the provocative point.
With love,
Mimi x
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