Why are men we know we cannot have so much more attractive?

This is the big question of today, and I’m not sure I’m qualified to give my opinion on this matter - but we are giving it a go nevertheless! 

me core

Largely and most obviously is the fact people love to fantasise! It is the most intriguing thing when a man is entirely mysterious. If we know for a fact we cannot have the person then that makes them harder to access, so we strive for the challenge. That of course is the chase, and for some reason we all love it. 

Through this deluded fantasy we all allow ourselves to delve further into mania as we feed into our own perception of this unattainable person. Fantasy is far safer than reality so we allow our minds to run wild with the potential of this person, it is all consuming at times. This is where I myself have fallen victim in recent weeks.

By allowing your imagination to run wild you can control the storyline, the outcome, the memories etc. There is no risk of rejection because you are making it all up in your head, allowing for the complete romanticism of a completely ordinary interaction.

Sounds a bit psychotic really when you spell it out - which is exactly where my own suffering comes into play. 

Over recent weeks I have unfortunately fallen into a deep state of limerence, since coming home from a trip where I incurred the tragic event of meeting my exact type!  

Limerence:

“Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession and intense romantic infatuation with another person, defined by intrusive thoughts, an idealisation of the other person, and a desperate longing for reciprocation. Unlike love, it is based on the uncertainty of whether the other person returns your feelings and is often one-sided. ”

Doesn’t sound very fun now does it? Well it's not. I have been an embarrassment to the independent womanhood community in recent weeks - and I used to be the Mayor of this community so it's quite a fall off. 

All down to a trip last month in Budapest where I met the epitome of my type on the dancefloor of a club. He was a gorgeous blonde Hungarian man, and I had to have him. We had already been at the club dancing our hearts out for about an hour when he walked in and I boldly stated to my friend, "Look at the Blonde. I must have him”

After 30 minutes of eyeing up him and his group we managed to secure the Hungarian blonde and his Italian friend. It was at this point that me and my friend realised we might be in a bit of bother the following morning because it was already 2am and we had a flight to catch, yet tragically were terribly infatuated by these men. 

But why?

As the night went on these men managed to completely seduce us with their European charm, not even speaking fluent English (quite an achievement!) They whispered sweet compliments in our ears and danced with us as if we had known each other for years, and that's exactly how it felt. It took everything in our bodies to not go home with them - and that is saying something. 

me and my man in da club

For the most part I am stupendously independent, yet this night managed to prove to myself I too crave intimacy - which I was naively unaware of. To be held in his arms, hold his hand, kiss him, lean on him as we danced and be told a myriad of overused but compelling compliments was everything I needed and more.

Me and my travel companion walked out of the club at 4:30AM in a state of disbelief and were unawarely already entering into the hypnotic state of limerence.

How and why do these men have this power over us… 

After four weeks back in the country I think I've finally cracked the case! 

The reason we fall so much harder for men we know we cannot have, is because of the mystery they obtain, I hardly know this man - which allows for my brain to create an idealised version of him. I’ve had four weeks now to stalk his instagram, talk to him over DM, rewatch a video of us dancing - obsessively - and from these three things I’ve formulated him as the perfect man. 

THE man if you will - when really if I got to know him now, he’d probably be a bit of a let down because I've overcompensated with an idealised version of him! Quite sad really.

His scarcity has created a desire so strong because of how unattainable he feels, he lives in a whole different country so my brain knows I will likely never see him again - and somehow that means he holds more value in my brain! It’s almost entirely psychological. My brain has systematically mistaken difficulty for importance - a tragic debacle. 

It truly is tragic because I have never been one of those women who was obsessed by men, in fact I was more disgusted by them than anything else. Yes, I am unfortunately heterosexual by nature, however I often wish I were a lesbian, and it wasn't until this state of enlightenment that I've realised the lasting impact of having never had any romantic interaction.

I’m nineteen years old and have never been in love, never had a boyfriend, never even been on a date. Until this night I hadn’t ever even held hands with a man - you can be a man hater all you like but that kind of inattention does transpire with a desperate desire for intimacy at times - today being one of them. 

Can we break the cycle? 

this is how deluded i've been

The over romanticising must STOP! I think we can break this cycle but first we must understand that most of what we imagine is likely not real and we have unconsciously projected our desires onto a falsified version of a man. 

Once we are aware and have acknowledged this as a problem we can start to take action! Which is easier said than done, however now we know this is the problem it should be easier to stop ourselves from creating these false ideals. So next time you catch yourself falling into limerence i'm hoping we are going to recognise the pattern and put a stop to it!

But it's going to be an ongoing battle because even now I still catch myself hyper-fixating on this man! Partly because he has annoyingly fed into my delusions over messages - making it so much worse, but also because I've entirely allowed myself to fall into it!

if this isn't the truth!

(He was my lock-screen for two - weeks.) Thats actually psychotic.

I’ve fully exposed myself with this one, I'm going to look back on this time and think how insane I was, but that is limerence for you!

Aside from embarrassing myself I'm hoping this has helped you understand your own self more and possibly even relate to my crazy state of limerence because it seems to be an increasingly popular emotional state in recent years.

Manifesting success and happiness for you all - and definitely no limerence.

With love,

Mimi x